The Voice of a Black Lolita

Lockdown has been an experience. The world around me has been scary and chaotic, and my habits have changed to cope. I started off with the best intentions, with dedicated walks and bike rides for exercise and a change of scenery. But this past month especially, it has been difficult to find the energy to go out for more than the most essential errands. 

It's been difficult to hear yet more news of police brutality killing yet more innocent black people in a system designed to eradicate us. It's been difficult to hear the statistics, of how black people are several times more likely to die of Covid-19 than white people, and yet the government seem largely unbothered because to class my people as high risk would be to lose our labour that this country relies on to exist, as we are more likely to be key workers. What can I say? Life is pretty un-kawaii and I feel I would be doing not only a disservice to my community but also to myself by not even acknowledging this pain and trauma for the sake of maintaining a breezy, easily readable format on this blog. I would never have started a blog post like this in the past. But I'm a bit too long in the tooth to worry any more about making white people uncomfortable by talking about reality, and while I'm not expecting everyone around me to become a social justice activist, I do expect more than the deafening silence I've experienced from people who should absolutely know better. If you do not care about racial injustice then you do not care about me. End of. 

Sometimes I feel like giving up on having an online presence entirely. I don't get off on photo likes, follower numbers, and looking for some level of fame or notoriety. But equally, I cannot underestimate the importance of representation. I may be at a point in my life where I don't need anyone to tell me that I can be whoever I want to be, but I wasn't always like that, and there are still countless black people out there who aren't there yet.

When I started off in this fashion, I was one of maybe a handful of black people in the lolita community. My low quality YouTube videos from the channel I had circa 2011 caused me to receive a message I will never forget, from a black girl who genuinely didn't know that black people could wear this fashion, too. It was so unexpected for me; I didn't realise my channel with barely 100 subscribers could reach someone in this way and do something important. Years later, I was hanging out with some "friends" (all white) who began making fun of a black lolita YouTuber for saying that she wanted to be an inspiration to other black girls out there. They found it hilarious; how could this upstart believe that her YouTube videos be inspiring anybody when we all know that race doesn't matter, right?

Another incident found my white, lolita ex best friend complaining about the fact that it wasn't fair that a black girl had been chosen to model for Metamorphose at a London lolita event. She didn't see anything wrong with saying that "they only picked her to seem PC" in my presence. I would read her blog where she'd try to portray an image of being a kind person who was a great friend and socially aware when she was anything but, until I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I deserved so much more than walking on eggshells while hurt ravaged my insides for the sake of sparing white people the truth that if they are not actively anti-racist, then they are perpetuating racism and benefiting from it by default.

I considered not posting pictures of myself to end this stream of consciousness, but I do still want to share the happy moments, because black shouldn't have to be synonymous with pain and suffering. I desperately want everyone to step up for black people so that we get to tell more happy stories, get the opportunities we deserve, hear about wonderful black achievements, and see more photos of black people beaming with pride because they are thriving at whatever it is they do. My voice is important. We've read those quotes about how existing as a member of a marginalised group can feel like this radical, political statement, because society doesn't want us to survive, and it most certainly doesn't want us to thrive. So here I am. Surviving this pandemic. Dressing in my favourite clothes to work at home in a job I love (and doing really well at if I do say so myself, even in spite of everything I'm up against in this world).

Outfit RundownHeaddress: Bodyline
Blouse: Vintage Primark I think
Jumperskirt: Pup in a Cup- Btssb
Socks: Bodyline
Cloud Telephone: Vintage Emerson. Gives me Prince "Raspberry Beret" vibes.

I need to take some time for rest and self care. That much is obvious; I am tired and I cannot be in battle mode all the time. But I am not going to let this society destroy me, silence me, and benefit from my efforts while chewing me up and spitting me back out. Not without a fight.

Thank you for reading. Stay safe out there, and please consider the black community at this time if you are not part of it yourself. Black lives matter, and I will say it until the world finally believes it. Will you?
https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#

Lolita Fashion Online Shops in the Early 2000s: Metamorphose

I love e-commerce. The novelty of being able to browse the wares of clothing brands in far flung places never really wore off for me. Many times in my life when dealing with stressful things, I've found great comfort in doing the online equivalent of window shopping, viewing e-commerce sites as museums to explore. I've never been much of a spender or impulse buyer, so this has always been a safe hobby for me! This was a particularly fun pursuit for me late in secondary school, when I used to dream of wearing these whimsical, frilly pieces one day, and I would feverishly scour every inch of the websites of Baby, The Stars Shine Bright, to Angelic Pretty, to Moi-même-Moitié and beyond to western brands like Candy Violet and Hong Kong's Anna House. Bonus points if the sites had fun or quirky web design elements.

The internet is undoubtedly the cornerstone of the lolita community. The vast majority of us would never have discovered the fashion, or been able to acquire it were it not for the internet. From as far back as the 1990s, lolita fashion has had an online presence.

I've been going through Wayback Machine archives in an attempt to see what online shopping would have looked like for those early lolitas, but much of what's available consists of dead links and broken images. Despite this, I did manage to find some gems, namely from Metamorphose temps de fille!

Metamorphose temps de fille
Meta were the first of the main sweet Japanese lolita fashion brands to ship overseas, starting in August 2002*, and I appreciate them for that. I've always considered them to be ahead of the curve, and never afraid to do something wild or different, with little regard as to whether or not it's "trendy." I don't think the brand gets the credit it deserves for its role in forging the idea of self expression in what is otherwise a rather regimented fashion style, and its openness to creating pieces in a range of sizes, lengths, and comprising of many adjustable elements to suit any figure. Get it, Meta.

With this as my starting point, the earliest pages of their site I could find with working images date back to 2001, nearly a full two decades ago!

Welcome to the Metamorphose landing page in spring 2001!

I find the main photo unsettlingly voyeuristic and hilarious in equal measure! No polished photoshoots to be found back in those days. What we have here is a brand that was a lot more raw, straight to the point, and just getting started. Metamorphose was only founded in 1997, so it makes sense for it to still be finding its feet in terms of online marketing material in 2001. Plus, the internet itself was relatively new then. Everyone had dial-up connections, and web design was in its infancy. With all these factors taken into consideration, it doesn't look too bad!

Note the beginning date of the website: 7th July 1999! 

Some of the dress photos wouldn't load, so presumably were not archived, but we can still get a strong idea of the navigation of the site. The catalog was not as vast as we've come to expect from the main Japanese brands now, but there was still some good variety, and likely there were more pieces available in the physical store.

One of the recent releases for that year. It's quaint, covered in the raschel lace we went on to deride later on, and has a full back button detail that I'm surprised hasn't been done more often. It stirs so much nostalgia for me, as so much of the lolita (and attempts at lolita) I was exposed to in the late 2000s when I was first getting into the fashion was very much in this vein. You occasionally still see dedicated old-school lolitas wearing this now sought after gobelin piece.

Over the next few months the website background colour was changed to pink. The background colours of photos and product page layout were not particularly cohesive, and the product descriptions minimal, but clearly they got the job done, and I can only imagine how excited budding lolita enthusiasts at the time would have been to sit and sift through the store's catalog, which included the accessories we've come to know and love.

 The typical layout of the product pages. We have an image or two of the product up top, then a very basic product description below. The knee high, lace topped sock will always be an iconic look. 

It's hard to see much in the way of detail in these images! A lot of trust would be necessary to order these products without seeing them in person first. 

I remember when chunky, calf height boots were commonplace. It's funny when looking back at what was considered lolita footwear, and seeing such a huge absence of bows, and strappy flat shoes.

More chonky shoes, this time with wooden style soles and a scalloped lace design. This huge contrast of black and white wasn't viewed with the "ita" judgement we'd perhaps give it today!

Speaking of ita...

Not even my most rose-tinted glassed will have me singing the praises of this headdress. While some of the current old school lolita devotees have come to appreciate this style of lace, I simply cannot. The association I have between this and the net curtains everyone seemed to have in their house when I was a child is too much for me (no shade if you love the appearance of headdresses like this, though!)

If we skip forward just a few years to 2004 (which, incidentally, was the same year that the film adaptation of Kamikaze Girls was released!), things look much more how we've come to expect from a sweet lolita brand.

Pastel pink backgrounds, and a professional model photo. The web design is more complex, and the navigation comprehensive. One of the cool things about this landing page is that a different photo would appear each time you refreshed!

When I look at these pictures, I notice there must have been a much bigger emphasis on creating a doll-like look when posing, which you can see in the stiffness of the final two poses. While I've always shied away from any kind of link between wearers of this fashion and being a "doll", I can't help enjoying the attitude in these photos that seems to say "I may be cute, but come any closer and you will regret it!"

Let's take a look at more dresses...

Very much in the throes of old school lolita, but the pieces look more polished and cohesive. I love the simplicity of lolita pieces during this time. It's refreshing to see 100% cotton fabrics and straightforward designs that one could wear casually on a day to day basis. That's my favourite kind of lolita and Meta has done it so well over the years!

I couldn't very well include screenshots of every single page, but you get the idea! It was a simpler, more raschel-filled time that I can't help but look at in wonder. I've enjoyed having a look through the different older pages I could find from the brand, and implore you to do the same for your favourite sites. It is so interesting to see the gradual change and development of different brands over the years, from the pieces that were considered contemporary, to the very vision and how it can shift in reaction to the time period.

It may be too soon to tell, but I can only imagine that this very chaotic moment in history will inspire so many changes in fashion as we know it!

Do you enjoy looking at e-commerce archives? I'd love to hear about your own web archive adventures. Thanks for reading, and see you next time ❤

* 'Leading the Way West: An Interview with Metamorphose's Own Kuniko Kato'. Gothic & Lolita Bible in English, Summer 2008, p. 108

Dressing to Cope, and Feelings of Hope

It's been a while.

Let's just say that 2019 was so hectic that the thought of sitting down to write a thought out blog post was far too overwhelming. I kicked off the year having a go at working a fashion industry job... and I hated it! It made me realise that this love of fashion would only remain if it was on my terms; the fashion retail head office world was incredibly unpleasant, unethical, and everything I did felt largely pointless. I left that nonsense, re-evaluated my life, had a positive coming out experience with my family (honestly if I can get through that, I can get through anything!) sewed up a storm, got into resin crafts, and with conventions booked in from London to Glasgow, it made for what ended up being a really exciting time. There is no feeling like seeing people light up over work that you lovingly produced, and I think that's as far as my connection with "the industry" will ever go!

MCM London Comic Con October 2019!

Still...the year ended with me feeling inexplicably anxious. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I had this strange feeling that something big was going to happen, and I needed to be financially prepared for it. My shop is my baby, but far from anything resembling a full time wage. Time for to sort a career path out once and for all.

2020 started off a little shaky, but by March I was back in a regular 9-5 situated really close to my house, and with bosses completely supportive of me running my small business in my free time (in fact, my website was a huge part of me landing the role!). I do e-commerce merchandising-- that is, improving the functionality of the online shop of a huge company, and I absolutely love it. I don't suppose my 21-year-old self fresh out of uni 5 years ago would have thought this is where I'd end up, but all the bad roles, weird roles, and skills I've picked up along the way have found me doing something that finally feels right. Getting to be creative every single day is the most wonderful thing, and for the first time in my working life I don't dread Mondays.

Of course, March time coincided with the COVID-19 situation beginning to get out of control in the UK. After being in my new workplace for a couple weeks, we were sent to work from home. It took some getting used to, and I still find the huge Microsoft Teams meetings painfully awkward... but I've settled into a new routine, and give thanks every day that this is currently an option even available to me, and that both I and my loved ones are safe. There's likely to be more furloughing on the horizon. All I can do is continue to put my all into what I do, and hope things will work out in the end.

Super simple summer look to video chat with a dear friend for 5 hours!

I've found it really helpful during this time to act as though I'm physically heading out of the house to work. I do my makeup and hair like I normally would, and try to wear fun, yet comfortable outfits to keep my spirits up. I feel so much more like myself than if I wore PJs all the time, and I like the direction my style has been moving into as of late.

A typical work from home look~

I did the unthinkable and got a few pairs of trousers and I'm loving the ease of coordinating that comes with that! My favoured trouser cut has always been flares, but it's been several years since they've been so readily available. My teenage wannabe 70s glam rock self would be so happy for me, honestly, because I've been waiting since then for it to happen!

Loving 70s flares/bell bottoms, and vintage fashions in general! They feel so cosy.

Gosh, fashion makes me so happy. It can tell so many stories. It comes in endless styles and cuts and colours and vibes. I love that.

It's hard not to feel worried and distressed during a time like this. I'm constantly scared for family and friends, and it's incredibly hard not being able to see my girlfriend (though our constant video calls give me life). I often feel disconnected from people's lives and yet unsure how to check up on them, or if we're even "still friends". That's what this sort of isolation does to people, and I constantly have to give myself a stern talking to, lest the negative thoughts and insecurities begin to take control. We're all struggling, and withdrawing is absolutely a coping mechanism for a lot of people.

All I can do is focus on the good, take joy from the little things, and not be too hard on myself about "wasting" the additional free time I now have from no work commute, conventions being cancelled, and shop orders dwindled. To still be here and still be smiling and still be so happy to put on a fun new outfit is a huge achievement! I love to think of the things I'll do and the adventures I'll go on once all this is over. I want to take trains to beautiful locations, walk along the beach, and trek across lush terrain. I want to go on road trips and sit in my favourite local café once more for a huge slice of carrot cake. These simple things give me so much hope.

New wall art for my bedroom, to keep the space cheerful and fluffy! Stopping to look at it calms me down.

How are you all doing? I know it's not easy. Do share the happy things that are helping you to get by right now. I'd love to hear about it, particularly how to stay connected with people!

Thank you so much for reading, especially if you are still here after my long absence! I binned the old blog layout as I couldn't navigate it to save my life so things are back to basics, and I think it's actually much better! What do you think? See you next time ❤